The Trouble With Evil Monkeys
by SiriuslyInsane62442
Summary: When an evil monkey (specifically an evil rabid monkey of impending doom) appears in Hogwarts, all chaos insues, and the stupidity of Hogwarts students is revealed.... Strictly humor and silly nonsense!
1. The Evil Rabid Monkey of Impending Doom

Chapter One: Introducing... THE EVIL RABID MONKEY OF IMPENDING DOOM!

Chapter Written by: Pinky

Summary: Read the title.

Warning: The chapter ahead is very stupid and will probably result in the loss of more than a few IQ points.

Once upon a time, there was a castle. And in this castle, there was a cage. And in this cage, there was an evil rabid monkey of impending doom that both Professor Trelawney and Hagrid were fighting over. While they were screaming (imagine Hagrid screaming...) at each other, the monkey unlatched the sucky latch that Hagrid made, and crawled out. He was looking for food, when he saw a boy with a gob of red hair and a girl with an afro walking out of a giant painting of fruit, holding food. He decided to follow them until they dropped something. Purely by accident, the evil rabid monkey of impending doom stepped on its own non-existent tail, and squeaked, causing the tall ugly boy with red hair and the short even uglier girl with an afro to turn around.

"AAAH! WHY IS THAT MONKEY STALKING ME?!"

"Calm down, Ron, it's not just a monkey, it's an evil rabid monkey of impending doom! Isn't that fascinating?"

Ron felt like smacking Hermione's overly bushy hair.

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! THE POINT IS THAT IT'S STALKING ME!"

Hermione's poofy head wobbled.

"You should be very honored, Ronald! Did you know that clans of naked mole rats worship it?"

"But what if I don't want the bloody evil rabid monkey of impending doom to be following me around?!"

"Well, you'll have to deal with it!"

Ron howled like a dog on steroids when the monkey attached himself to Ron's leg. He howled like a dog on steroids _and_ crack when Hermione attached herself to Ron's other leg.

"This is great, I have an evil rabid monkey of impending doom on my leg, and a girl with an afro on the other. How the heck am I supposed to play Quidditch?"

Suddenly, Harry came along with a POOF of pink and green smoke.

"Oooh, Ron, you've got a very pretty evil rabid monkey of impending doom on your leg! Can I touch it?"

"Uhh... Sure?"

"Oooh..."

Harry reached out a hand to touch it, when suddenly it bit his hand off.

"Oh, Ron, your evil rabid monkey of impending doom just bit my hand off! That's so cool! And I think I have rabies now! Awesome!"

"GOD! ISN'T ANYBODY IN THIS PLACE SANE?!"

"Uhh... No? Heyyy, can I touch the monkey again?"

"Sorry Harry, no more touching the monkey. I have to go to... Um... Quidditch practice! Yes! See you around!"

"But I have to come too, remember? I'm your seeeeeeeeeeeeker, seeeeeeeeeeeeeker!"

"Fine, come. But don't bug me!"

From his legs, Hermione yelled,

"Hey! I'm stuck! I can't get off your legs! Don't you dare fart, Ronald Weasley!"

The evil rabid monkey of impending doom screeched, as if agreeing.

Ron ignored both, and ran towards the changing rooms. He then swung the leg with the evil rabid monkey of impending doom over the broom, and hopped on. Harry was already off the ground, and in the air, flying in uneven circles around the three goalposts, and singing the theme song to "Kim Possible". Hermione covered her ears.

"OY! Harry! Cut that out, people are going to think you're gay!"

"Call me beep me if you wanna reach me!"

Now Ron was covering his ears. Colin Creevy was being his usual creepy self and snapping pictures of Harry calling and beeping people while spinning around in circles on a broom, and Ron with two weird looking creatures dangling from his legs.

"Hermione, shut him up or something!"

"Okay! _Petrificus totalus_!"

Alas, she had not realized in time that the hand holding her wand was nearly up Ron's pants, and so she had frozen his er... _whatdoyawannacallit_, causing Ron to screech at Hermione, and for the evil rabid monkey of impending doom to shut his ears.

"HERMIONE! YOU JUST FROZE MY WHATDOYAWANNACALLIT! AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE AN AFRO!"

"Well, excuse me, but flying does that to my head. And I'm sorry for freezing your... Er... _Whatdoyawannacallit_, but it couldn't be helped."

"COULDN"T BE HELPED?! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU MEAN, IT COULDN' BE HELPED? UNFREEZE IT THIS INSTANT!"

Suddenly, Harry flew into a goalpost while screaming,

"RON! YOUR WHATDOYAWANNACALLIT IS FROZEN!"

"Gee, Harry, I didn't know that! Thanks for letting me know!"

Harry's eyes went wide.

"Really? You didn't?"

At that moment, Harry's large head got stuck in a goal.

Ron temporarily forgot about his frozen whatdoyawannacallit, and flew over to get Harry's head out of the hoop. Colin's camera was flashing. Harry was still singing.

"I'm your basic average girl, and I'm here to save the wor-"

"HARRY! SHUT UP!"

From underneath, Hermione piped up,

"Yes, Harry. It is really very dreadful for your vocal chords to be singing when your head is lodged inside a hoop."

"But I wanna sing!"

"No, no singing, Harry. Hermione, reach your arms around the pole, and push Harry's face out of the hood. We've gotta get him outta here before he damages the hoop. Got it?"

"Erm... Maybe...?"

"Good. Now do it. I'll pull his legs. One... Two... Three! PUSH!"

When Ron pulled on Harry's legs, all that came off were his stinky sneakers, and Hermione, while valiantly pushing Harry's face, was getting her hands cut up by his braces, which JKR conveniently forgot to mention were there.

"Okay, try again."

Ron dropped the stinky and smelly sneakers on Colin Creevy's head, where they killed him on the spot from the sheer stinkyness and smelliness of them. The he grabbed back onto Harry's stinky and smelly feet.

"Harry, this time, shut your mouth, so Hermione's hands don't get all chopped up."

Harry shut his mouth and attempted to say "Yes sir" at the same time.

"Good. Now, one... Two... Three! Now!"

The effect was dramatic, to say the least.

Ron, who was pulling on Harry's stinky and smelly feet, pulled apparently a bit too hard, and the whole goalpost came down, crash landing Ron, the evil rabid monkey of impending doom, and Hermione's legs on the ground.

Hermione was doing an amazing act of amazing bendy skills, and was still holding onto Harry's head and had her legs still wrapped around Ron's at the same time. Of course, all good things must come to an end, so Hermione's hands flew off of Harry's face, and she snapped back over to Ron's side of the post.

Just as the pole crashed to the ground with a very loud crash, the evil rabid monkey of doom bit Ron's leg before running away and tripping over its non-existent tail.

"Well, so much for not damaging the goalpost."

Ron's leg was quickly turning green, and fell off. Hermione was still attached to his other leg, and Harry's head was still stuck in the hoop. After getting over the shock of his leg falling off, and realizing that he was going to die, or fart, he cheered. Maybe, he could fart and die at the same time, and therefore piss off Hermione with both factors! Yes, that was it. So, he farted, very loudly, in Hermione's face, and the last thing he heard before he died was Harry singing,

"Call me beep me if you wanna reach me!"


	2. Harry Potter and the StarCrossed Pineapp...

Stupid? Yes. Impossible? Yes. And the point is? Nothing. Precisely.

this chap brought to you by **Manchot du Destin.**

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Harry and the Star-Crossed Pineapple of Ill-Fate:

Harry suddenly stopped singing. "Um, Ron? RON? WEASEL!???" That was it, Ron was dead. He had to be, if a cry of 'Weasel' wasn't going to wake him. Harry considered crying. He considered fainting. He even considered breaking out into an encore chorus of Kim Possible.

But, no. That wasn't the answer. Harry pulled his arm out of his sleeve (A/N: I bet you guys thought that monkey had really bitten it off.). He carefully skirted a whole 30 feet around Ron, who was now a rather putrid bluish color all over. _No, _Harry thought,_ there are more important events afoot. _Then, speaking of feet, _Damn, where are my shoes?_ Oh, there they were, over by Colin. Who was also dead. It looked as if the shoes had fallen on him. Maybe they had dented his cranium and killed him that way. Or maybe it was just the smell.

Harry took a sniff and promptly keeled over.

He came to a full half hour later. Definitely the smell.

But there was nothing he could do about that now. Still, he couldn't wear the weapon that had caused the demise of Colin Creevey. And he _certainly _couldn't leave the shoes around for just anyone to find. He sat around and thought. And thought. And tried to ignore the rather awful smell that Ron was emitting. And then thought some more. Finally, Harry had an idea. _I know!_ he thought, _Thinking really isn't my strong suit. Maybe I should take up Quidditch instead. _But no. He had more important things to do. Plus, that didn't solve the problem of the shoes.

"Accio Evil Rabid Monkey of Impending Doom," Harry said, hoping the monkey could help him think up a good idea.

Surprisingly enough, it did. The monkey,) who was both evil and rabid, and simply reeked of impending doom) speaking in an unusual dialect of Portuguese, said "Harry, you're being an idiot. Give me the shoes and I'll take them to you-know-who. I heard he was lacking in footwear."

Harry stared at the monkey uncomprehendingly for 2.36 minutes. Then he shrugged, "I suppose so," he said in that Portuguese dialect, with a flawless accent. "Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll smell them. Or you could always just bite him in the—well, or anywhere, I suppose."

The monkey looked as surprised as monkeys can look, what with all the fur and all. Possibly more surprised than is actually possible. But that's not the point. "You speak Portuguese. I'm astounded. Seeing you flying and singing, I thought for sure, you'd no remaining brain cells. And you're idea; it's actually not that bad. Well, except for the whole biting him thing. I don't eat junk food, I mean seriously. Eeew."

It was Harry's turn to look surprised. "Of course I speak Portuguese. I picked it up at Hogwarts."

"People speak Portuguese at Hogwarts?"

Harry rolled his eyes. Honestly, this monkey was beyond stupid. "No, I found it lying on the floor. And nobody looked like they wanted it. So I picked it up."

The monkey stared at Harry for a moment, then realized that he wasn't being sarcastic. Harry really was that dumb. Either that, or he was a fantastic actor. Oh well, it didn't matter. The monkey picked up the shoes, holding them as far away from his nose as humanly, I mean, apely possible, and started off.

"Oh, and by the way," Harry shouted after the rabid monkey, "you mis-conjugated that last verb!" But the monkey was gone.

_Huh, _Harry thought, _now what do I do?_

Well, the first order of business was obviously to get away from the stench of, well, of Ron and Colin. No offense meant. Hermione had clearly left long ago.

So Harry picked himself up off the ground, and made his way up towards the castle, the very picture of a carefree teenager having a bad hair day, and not wearing any shoes.

But then, lo and behold, before he was halfway to the castle, there were several loud cracks. _Crack! Crack, crack! Crack, crack, crackcrackcrack! CRACK!_

Harry paused to count the cracks. Nine. Huh, that sounded like someone apparating. Nine someones apparating if you were going to be picky. But that was impossible on Hogwarts grounds, wasn't it? Which meant that either Hermione had been wrong, or Harry was no longer on Hogwarts grounds.

Harry looked around. Oh, he had been heading in the wrong direction all that time. He wasn't on Hogwarts grounds any more. _Phew, _he thought, _I was really worried that Hermione might have been wrong. That would have been the end of the world for sure. _

Then, in front of him was a tall, menacing figure, wearing Harry's shoes, and with a monkey on his shoulder.

Harry knew it had to be Voldermort. _Damn, _he thought, _I forgot my wand down at the Quidditch pitch. I don't suppose he'd let me go get it, would he?_

But he didn't have time to ask because it was at that point that Voldermort began to speak. "Thank you, Harry," he said in his eeriest voice.

"Um, you're welcome?" The Dursleys hadn't taught Harry many manners, but he'd picked them up somewhere. Probably on the floor at Hogwarts. Honestly, people at that school littered too much.

"Not you," spoke the Dark Lord, "We named the monkey Harry."

Harry paused to think about this. Finally, he was forced to concede that Harry was actually quite a good name; it had a real nice ring to it. So he could see how Voldermort might want to name the monkey that.

But then, Harry thought of something else. "Monkey?" he said in flawless Albanian. "You're a filthy traitor. Why did you switch sides?"

The monkey looked taken aback for a moment, but then sighed, and addressed Harry in Albanian as well. "It's just that you're so dumb. And it would be confusing being on the same side, us both being named Harry and all."

Harry was insulted. He didn't want to be racist—er species-ist, but only humans were allowed to call him dumb. He tried to think up a good comeback, and failed.

"Well," he finally shouted at the monkey, "Your Albanian grammar is just as bad as your Portuguese grammar!"

The monkey sighed and lobbed a plastic pineapple at Harry. He'd been saving the pineapple for just such a situation of extreme stupidity.

The pineapple hit Harry in the head, and he toppled over. Landing right at Lord Voldermort's feet. Which were still clad in Harry's smelly shoes.

Harry coughed and breathed in.

He was dead before he could even hum the opening line of the Kim Possible theme song.

* * *

Yeah, the stupidity of it all!

(okay, I really like Harry, and I felt sooo bad for making him so stupid. It was just that smart people don't get killed by plastic pineapples. So my story is that Hermione or someone cast a spell on Harry that addled his brains. Unfortunately, this means that all of wizard-kind is doomed. Oh well, nothing to be done about it now.)

le manchot du destin


	3. PARTY!

The Trouble with Evil Monkeys

Chapter 3: PARTY!!

Written by: Pinky.

Disclaimer: WE DON'T OWN IT! WE SWEAR ON THE PINK FLUFFY BEDROOM SLIPPERS!

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Hermione wandered out to the Quidditch pitch after getting over Ron's death. He was the only one she ever loved, and as much of an idiot that he was, it was cruel that an evil rabid monkey of impending doom had killed him when he could have died a much nobler way, such as dying at the hands of Winky the revenge-obsessed House-Elf. At least she had something to remember him by. The stench of his fart. So beautiful. Anyway. She moseyed on out to the Quidditch pitch. Where she found Lord Voldemort laughing madly.

At his feet was Harry's body, which was now giving off rather horrible fumes. Like gym socks, the kind her parents always wore.

To her amazement, there was a monkey sitting on Voldemort's shoulder. And it was speaking in clear Albanian. In fact, he was worshipping naked mole-rats. Albanian is a very difficult language to understand, see, because of the repetitive use of verbs and the fact that it is spoken very quickly. So prayers to naked mole-rats should have been very difficult to understand. However, having taken Mongolianese, Latin, Qaanaaqese, French, Ethiopian, and Uzbekistani, she was an expert at conjugating verbs, and although she somehow missed taking Albanian during her year at preschool, she was able to tell that the monkey had quite horrible grammar. Conveniently, bad grammar was one of her hugest pet peeves, so she marched right up to the monkey, and poked its back. Surprisingly, Lord Voldy-Something did not even notice, much less turn around.

"HEY! YOU STUPID MONKEY! YOUR GRAMMAR IS REALLY BAD!"

The monkey's beady, evil, rabid, doomed eyes squinted at her from the back of his head, for some odd reason. Lord Voldymorty still did not turn around.

"Excuse me?"

"YOU STUPID MONKEY! YOUR GRAMMAR IS REALLY BAD!"

"I heard you. Honestly, students these days are so stupid... I was merely asking why you were telling me that, I thought you would have known."

Hermione looked highly affronted, and tears started pooling in her eyes.

"I am not stupid. I hadn't taken Albanian during preschool and YET I knew that your grammar was bad!"

The monkey sighed again, and was about to take out a plastic apple, when Hermione wailed, and dashed off to the school. The monkey rolled his beady, evil, rabid, doomed eyes and threw the apple at her retreating back. It bonked off of her afro, and zoomed right back at him, not making even a small dent in her hair. He blinked in slight shock. He quickly recovered. It wouldn't do to appear stupid. His beady, evil, rabid, doomed eyes pointed back at Voldemort.

"I bet she's gone to go pick up some Sri Lankanese up at the school now."

The Dark Tosser's red eyes widened.

"Really?"

The monkey rolled his eyes again. He had been doing a lot of that recently, and his beady, evil, rabid, doomed eyes were really starting to hurt.

"Really."

Meanwhile, Hermione had dashed over to the kitchens, where she was now singing and dancing around the House Elves, having forgotten her previous dilemma of the Ungrammatical Monkey.

"I'm a slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... I cannot hold it, I cannot control it baby..."

The House-Elves stared at her in disgust. After all, a girl with an afro and severe lack of fashion sense singing a trashy Britney song about slaves was a rather disturbing sight, particularly for House-Elves. Then Dobby appeared, holding a pastry and looking quite concerned for Hermione. Winky, on the other hand, was slowly advancing with a rather lethal looking kitchen knife. Hermione thought she was muttering,

"That girl has killed Master... Master, I will not let Master down!:

But she couldn't hear anymore after some Elves grabbed the revenge-obsessed House Elf and dragged her away. Dobby sprang forward.

"Miss, Dobby has brought some cake! Would Miss enjoy some cake?"

Hermione stared at Dobby, making him quite uncomfortable. In fact, she stared at him for exactly 3.46 minutes. By this time her eyes were bigger than Dobby's. Breaking out of his uncomfortable silence, he squealed, staring at her eyes.

"Miss! Miss has Dobby's eyes, yes! How wonderful it is, that Miss has the same eyes as Dobby!"

And he tried to hug her popping eyes. Snapping out of her trance, Hermione squeaked and tripped over the tray of pastries, sending them flying everywhere. She herself was covered in them. Dobby was still hanging onto her eyeballs. Then the room went silent. The Elves, covered in chocolate éclairs and vanilla pudding stared in horror. Hermione, in a fit of fury, charged out the painting door, and shut it very quickly behind her, causing Dobby to squeal in pain and fly off onto the apple, which smacked him round the face. Hermione raced off at top speed to the castle grounds, where she found Professor Dumbldore playing Twister with Professor McGonagall.

"Oomph, my dear Professor, do you have to bend your legs like that? They're actually right over my nose, and well... Let me ask you. When was the last time you showered?"

Hermione ran out screaming to the library, where Madam Pince was dancing merrily amongst a bonfire of giant books. Hermione looked around, and to her dismay, only saw Madam Pince and several pairs of sneakers.

"WHERE ARE THE BOOKS?!"(1)

Madam Pince ignored her and continued dancing around the fire.

"Hey, girl! Hey, girl! Throwing a party, yeah, yeah! Come on!"

Hermione, now transfixed by Madam Pince's... Erm... _Wonderful_ singing, was now also prancing around the flames, chanting.

"HEY, GIRL! HEY GIRL! DESTROYING BOOKS, YEAH YEAH!"

"WOOT!!"

"COME ON!!"

Meanwhile, Neville, oblivious to the party ensuing inside the library, walked in to find a book on underwater marine life. To his horror and utter disappointment, he walked in, only to find his strict librarian and school genius Hermione Granger doing a bit of Indian pow-wow dancing around a large bonfire. That was apparently fed with books.. To make things worse, Madam Pince was in the process of throwing his Underwater Plants and Why They are Cool book into the raging flames.

"NOOOOOOO!!!"

He lunged at Madam Pince. While Neville and Madam Pince wrestled for the book of cool underwater plants, the evil rabid monkey of impending doom flew through the window and knocked poor Hermione into the flames at the same time, causing her to shriek,

"THE PARTY IS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT MEEEEEEEEE....!"

And then she got burned to a crispy crisp, while, of course, the evil rabid monkey of impending doom watched in satisfaction. Then he flew back out the window, through the hallway, and picked up Zimbabwaynese on the way back to Lord... Something.

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A/N: Ah, it's a bit short, but who cares? You all wanted it!

(1)- Credit to SiriuslyFun19212, while we talked for a bit on AIM, she gave me that awesome line. Hehe...


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